Since you've arrived here, you're probably looking for a way to deal with anxiety? One of your most powerful tools and allies in healing anxiety will be cultivating acceptance.
If you were of the Bridget Jones era, you might remember just how powerful these words were...? Bridget was in shock that Mr Mark Darcy could like her ‘just the way she is’. These words were so powerful and shocking because they were so unfamiliar to our lovely Bridget, and so radical!
Bridget, like many women, was blighted by the scourge of non-acceptance. Always trying to lose weight, stop smoking, get a better job, look better, be better, get better etc… this might sound like a familiar cycle to you? It is so common, but the problem is that living in a state of chronic non-acceptance perpetuates our anxiety. The antidote is to learn how to talk to ourselves the way Mark Darcy spoke to Bridget: “I like me, just the way I am!”. This, my friend, is the incredible, powerful role of acceptance in helping us to heal from with anxiety.
As a mindfulness teacher, I often get to witness the transformative power of acceptance in my own life and in the lives of the people I work with. For me, acceptance was a crucial part of my long journey to healing from an eating disorder that included a crippling amount of body, food, and social anxiety. It was only when I started to practice accepting the parts of myself that I was so deeply ashamed of, and in fierce resistance to, that I could finally go on the long journey of recovery and begin to deal with the anxiety that seemed to plague me. In this blog, I invite you to join me in exploring the important place of acceptance in overcoming anxiety, why accepting ourselves is so darn difficult, and some ideas to help you cultivate more acceptance in your life.
What Is Anxiety?
Anxiety is an adaptive protection mechanism in the autonomic nervous system which is designed to keep us safe. It's an effective response to stress or danger, but for some people, it can become chronic and overwhelming. This protective response can be triggered by anxious thoughts, even when in reality we are quite safe. Physical symptoms of anxiety can include rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and tense muscles, while anxious thoughts often centre around worrying about the future.
It's really important for you to hear that your anxiety is not your fault, it actually makes a lot of sense, and there is so much hope for healing. I have been privileged to witness the journeys of many of the people I have worked with who have been struggling with anxiety. By learning about the nervous system, applying poly vagal theory, learning and practicing mindfulness and somatic techniques, I believe you too can overcome your anxiety.
What Is Acceptance?
Acceptance is one of the key attitudes of mindfulness, and is a crucial part of healing from anxiety. The attitudes of mindfulness (Jon Kabat-Zinn – creator of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) include non-judging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go. These attitudes are not just what we cultivate in mindfulness, but also become the product of our practice.
Acceptance means allowing ourselves to acknowledge and honour our experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, without judging or avoiding them. As Tara Brach teaches, "Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is, without fighting or attempting to change it." But isn't that just 'giving up?', 'giving in' 'or resting on our laurels?'
Acceptance is not the same as complacency or giving up. In fact, for many of us, acceptance needs to be a radical act of self-love and transformation because we have been conditioned to reject and criticise ourselves and challenging this takes determination, patience, and a willingness to make radical changes in our lives.
Why Does Non-Acceptance Perpetuate Anxiety?
Non-acceptance perpetuates anxiety because of the mind-body connection. When we resist what's happening in the present moment, our bodies tense and brace as we trigger the stress response in the body, which can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. The stories in our mind will correspond with the state in our body, and so a stressed body creates a stressed mind leading to more anxious thoughts. As Carl Rogers famously said, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." Resistance creates persistence in both body and mind, leading to a self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety. It is acceptance that helps us escape this cycle.
Why Is Self-Acceptance So Difficult In The First Place?
First of all, non-acceptance is a learned behaviour….Babies are not born not accepting themselves!
As children, we may have been taught either explicitly or through observing our parents' own relationship to their emotions, that certain emotions are unacceptable, and we therefore exile and criticise parts of ourselves (such as the scared part) as a protection mechanism. We learn that we are unacceptable.
Reframe: Your Early Experiences Shaped The Way You Think about Yourself It can be uncomfortable to accept this reality, especially in a culture that values the illusion of control and perfection. This isn't about blaming parents, moreover acknowledging their own humanity and imperfections, and exploring how beliefs, attitudes and trauma weave their way through time and generations. We may be tempted to reject the idea that our minds are shaped by early experiences and external factors outside of our control. Instead, we may try to construct the illusion of control over our thoughts and emotions by telling ourselves to "just be positive" or "don't think that way." We may try to reject parts of ourselves that we perceive as "bad" in order to become what we see as "perfect." But in doing so, we fail to acknowledge that much of what exists inside us is the result of our early experiences and the ways our caregivers responded to us in those moments.
Rather than rejecting parts of ourselves, it is important to approach ourselves with warmth and compassion. We must acknowledge that our minds are shaped by factors outside of our control, and that much of what we perceive as "bad" or "undesirable" is a product of our early experiences. By learning to approach the rejected and criticised pats of ourselves with compassion and understanding, we can begin to give ourselves what we needed (but often didn't get) in early life to be able to grow into self-compassionate, non-judgemental and resilient people. We can think of this process like 're-parenting'.
Reframe: Our Society is a Breeding Ground for Anxiety Then unfortunately, as adults it doesn’t get much better! Our society's economic system revolves around people not accepting themselves and always wanting to change, get more and be more. Without this collective belief system, capitalism would collapse. Social media, which promotes comparing ourselves and lives to others’, is guilty of perpetuating this and there is no surprise that anxiety levels skyrocketed with the growth of Instagram, TikTok and reels etc. We are constantly bombarded with messages to reinforce the belief that we are unacceptable, we are not enough and we should get more and be more.
In the Buddhist cycle of suffering, the desire for more and the constant striving for external validation are seen as major causes of human suffering. The Buddha taught that this cycle of craving and aversion leads to dissatisfaction and prevents individuals from experiencing true happiness and contentment. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy!"
Why The Way We Talk to Ourselves Matters
Neuroplasticity is a term used to describe the brain's ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural connections. Every thought we have goes towards shaping and reshaping our brain, so the way we talk to ourselves really does matter. According to Shauna Shapiro, "the repeated practice of [acceptance] can actually change the wiring in the brain to create more kindness and less judgment." Acceptance reduces resistance and rewires our brain for more kindness and less judgment. When we accept ourselves, we create feelings of safety in the body, which helps the body to relax, ease stress and tension, and enter a ventral vagal state. This state is when we feel safe and connected to ourselves and others.
How to Cultivate Acceptance in Daily Life. Some Practices:
Cultivating Curiosity towards Thoughts: Curiosity is an effective antidote to the judgement and self-criticism that traps us in anxiety. We can practice cultivating curiosity by observing our thoughts as they arise in a mindfulness practice. To cultivate curiosity through mindful awareness, try the following:
Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and without distraction.
Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Notice the sensation of your breath as it enters and leaves your body.
When your mind wanders, be really curious about your thought, notice it, study its tone, words, images etc. and see if you can notice how your body reacts to the thought; what sensations are present and where. Do this without judgement and then when you're ready, gently bring yourself back to your breath.
If you notice yourself resisting your thoughts, or being self-critical, can you zoom out and be curious about this experience too? Again, study the tone, words, images, noticing how your body reacts to the thought; what sensations are present and where.
You might like to make some notes after your practice about what you observed. Try to do this in a detached and curious way, remembering that your brain has largely been shaped by external experiences. It can be helpful to ponder where you might have learnt or picked up these kind of thoughts from.
Cultivate Acceptance of Bodily Sensations with the Body Scan : The body scan is a mindfulness practice that involves systematically scanning your body from head to toe, noticing any sensations and accepting them without judgement. This helps us to become less reactive (e.g. self-critical) of the sensations that arise in the body. To cultivate acceptance through the body scan, follow these steps:
Find a comfortable and quiet place where you can lie down.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Starting at the top of your head, focus your attention on each part of your body, noticing any sensations you feel.
As you move down your body, pay attention to any areas of tension or discomfort, without trying to change them.
When you have completed the scan, take a few deep breaths and notice how your body feels.
Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. This can be an incredibly powerful way to help us accept the parts of ourselves that are struggling. To cultivate acceptance through self-compassion, try the following:
When you notice negative self-talk, pause and take a deep breath.
Acknowledge that this is a moment of suffering
Imagine that you are speaking to a dear friend who is going through a similar situation.
Ask yourself what you would say to that friend, and then offer yourself those same words of kindness and support.
The Art of Acceptance:
In conclusion, acceptance is the key to making peace with anxiety and unlocking a more peaceful and content life. By accepting ourselves just the way we are, we create the conditions for transformation and healing to take place. Remember that your anxiety is not your fault and that there is hope for healing. As a mindfulness teacher, I have been humbled to witness many times how the art of acceptance can transform lives. If you are struggling with anxiety and would like to explore the power of acceptance, please get in touch with me. Together, we can embark on this journey of healing and self-discovery. Let us learn to talk to ourselves the way Mark Darcy spoke to Bridget and say, "I like me, just the way I am." It is in this state of acceptance that we can all truly find peace.
References:
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full Catastrophe Living, Revised Edition: How to cope with stress, pain and illness using mindfulness meditation. Hachette UK.
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist's view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Brach, T. (2019). Radical acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha. Random House Publishing Group.
Shapiro, S. L., Carlson, L. E., Astin, J. A., & Freedman, B. (2006). Mechanisms of mindfulness. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(3), 373-386.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins.
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